I feel very conflicted right now. I’m trying to sort things out.
My husband told me last night that he doesn’t want to be ordinary. I asked him to define ordinary and it’s exactly what I DO want out of life. I want to own a nice home, drive a nice car, go to a job that I don’t hate, have 2.4 kids, a dog, and a cat and be financially stable. He wants to travel and be someone that people will miss when he dies. I asked him, did he not think that I and our friends would miss him when he was gone? Was that not enough. He said no. I think he has a very skewed view of what he wants out of life. I don’t think he realizes that 1 in 1,000 gets to be a professional photographer and only like 5 out of that small group of people gets to be a well known photographer. I’m not trying to knock his dreams, I think dreams are great, but I also need him to be realistic out of life. I’m really afraid that he’s going to resent me one day. That’s how his parent’s relationship is. His mom married his dad and has “ruined his life” and kept him from doing the things he wanted to do out of life and his parents, although still married, don’t exactly like each other let alone love each other. I don’t want that for us. I don’t want him to resent me and feel like I held him back from his dreams. But I’m selfish enough to want my dreams too. Lately I feel like our dreams are incompatible. One of us is going to have to give up what they want. And knowing me, it’ll be him who gives up. I have a tendancy to steam roll right over him and he has a tendancy to not stick up for himself. That’s not fair that he gives up his dreams, but I don’t think his dreams are realistic, and honestly they are ever changing, so what do I do? I don’t want to put my life on hold because he can’t figure out what to do with his. God I’m a selfish cow. But even knowing that, I can’t stop myself from doing selfish things and getting what I want.