I don’t explain myself well

I don’t think I fully explained myself in my last post. I appreciate the concerns and comments, I really do, and I am fully willing to compromise. And maybe it’s because you guys can see things more clearly from the outside looking in, but I don’t really see a compromise.

Noah is a dreamer. What he wants to do with his life changes every five minutes. I knew this when I married him. It’s part of what I love about him. It’s also the big part of what’s bothering me right now.

He wants to move out of the state of Ohio. I don’t. I want to be near my family. But this is a compromise that I have made. I have agreed to move out of state after my student loans are cancelled in about three years. I asked that we choose a state where we know someone because I am not quite as adventurous as DS and am really afraid of not knowing anyone and starting completely from scratch.

He wants to be a photographer. I support that. We bought over $10,000 in camera equipment and spent a ton more on prints. I encourage him to sell prints and helped him get stuff together for a show. I even pushed him really hard into his current job in a professional photo house here in Cbus.

The biggest problem is that he wants to go back to school. But he doesn’t know what for. It changes daily. And we just bought a house. A pretty expensive house. We’re not living outside our means, but it’s pretty darn close. We can’t afford for him to quit his job and go back to school full time. Especially when the degree that he wants is going to require 2 years w/out a job, moving out of state, and then possibly have to move to yet another state where he can get an unpaid internship for another two years and then from all the research I’ve done, it will be another five years before he makes any money as a photographer. So…here’s where I don’t see a compromise. I’m sure this makes me sound like a bitch, but I’m not willing to put my life on hold for up to 12 years. And I’m not going to be stupid enough to bring a child into this world that we can’t afford. It just sucks. And I don’t see a compromise. Most things I will compromise on, and even though I said I’m extremely selfish, he has a mental health issue that BB can relate to and so on most things that aren’t terribly important to me, I let him have his way. For instance, our entire house is painted and decorated in his taste b/c we don’t have the same taste and according to him, my taste is bad. But it’s not important enough for me to argue about. My life though, my future, that is important to me. And I am going to argue and advocate for myself. I have to or risk losing my husband. I’m a very strong willed woman and I’m not going to sacrifice the really important things in life, like kids, to my husband’s dreamer/unrealistic ideas.

If you stop reading me, I’m sorry. I love that I’m meeting new people and making friends on here. I love the support. But this is a really really important issue for me and this blog is a place for me to vent and “talk” things out. When I have a problem, I call a friend and talk it out. This is my way of talking it out. I love my husband and I have no intention of leaving him. And I appreciate all the suggestions to compromise. But I don’t see a compromise here.

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7 thoughts on “I don’t explain myself well

  1. Honestly, I don’t see a compromise here either. I understand what you’re saying and I know I would do the same thing in your place. There’s just some things too important to risk. This does not seem as selfish to me, there’s just a point where you have to say stop.

    I’m sorry I can’t be of any help, it’s a very tricky situation and I hope you find a solution somehow.

  2. I totally see everybody’s point of view! Ahh!

    Ps what I’m loving about your blog is how honest you are with your point of view even though you’re putting yourself out there in a way that’s easy for some people to judge. But I love how sincere you are!

  3. I know where you’re at. Since I’ve been with Dan he’s had 5 jobs. He never knows what he wants to do and if he screws this next one up I don’t know what I’m going to do.

    But I love him and will always support whatever decision he makes. He just needs to learn to discuss it with me first 🙂

  4. ugh. maybe there isn’t a compromise. this sucks hon. i don’t know – maybe it’ll just take time. you’ve mentioned that noah wanted a family eventually and maybe once he gets a little older he’ll realize that that can’t be achieved in the life he wants for the both of you.

  5. My husband and I are in a similar place right now. He has no idea what he wants to do, but in the meantime we can hardly pay our bills because he is only working part time. Marriage is such an adjustment because it’s not just about you and what you want anymore. I understand that Zeke wants a job that will make him happy, but at the same time, we are horribly in debt and behind on bills because he won’t do SOMETHING until he finds THE THING he wants to do. He’s also battling depression, which complicates matters further. I don’t have any good answers, but I wanted to let you know that I completely understand where you are coming from.

  6. “he has a mental health issue that BB can relate to”

    This puts things into a lot of context.
    It can be hard to balance being supportive with having to be the one who keep you both grounded. I have a lot of respect for how difficult that must be.
    No guilt allowed for venting!!!

  7. That’s what blogging is about! Not everyone is going to agree with each other but isn’t it great getting all these different points of view? Keep sharing and being honest, because that’s what makes your blog unique to you 🙂

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