UPDATE: see bullet point numero sixo
There are a lot of random things going through my mind lately. So I thought I would bullet post ’em and then maybe I can post more after I’ve got my thoughts together.
* Things are better with Noah. He broke his glasses before we left for Baltimore and decided that maybe he would pursue some therapy options. I think it’s a great idea. I’ve been barely pushing him on this for the past four years, but I didn’t want to push too hard because it needed to be his decision. As of yet, he’s not made any appointments but at least he came to a realization.
* Out of that situation I realized that I baby him. My first thought upon him breaking said glasses was, “You’re going to pay for that.” After I calmed down I remembered that he’d been saving his money for a lense for his camera and if I made him pay for the glasses, he wouldn’t be able to get the lense. Then I started feeling guilty. Then I got mad at myself for feeling guilty, but couldn’t stop feeling guilty. I told him that I felt bad and he told me that he was a grownup and was going to take responsability for his actions. Then I felt more guilty! In the end, he’s got enough money to get the lense (which we ordered last night) and still pay for his glasses so I don’t feel too bad.
* I need to stop buying stuff. I have a really really low self esteem and buying things makes me happy. It doesn’t matter if I don’t ever wear it or if I don’t need it, the simple act of spending money makes me feel better. I need to figure out a way to make myself feel better w/out spending money or we will be broke. Well, not broke, but not digging our way out of debt like I would like to.
* Along those lines, I realize that if I do want to have a baby, and I do, I need to stop buying things like clothes, and start paying off debt. We don’t have a lot that we can really do anything about. Car loans and student loans and mortgages aren’t going to go away. But what we do have, I need to get rid of. My friends who have had babies can’t wear their old clothes or shoes anymore so I need to stop collecting things like that and pay off debt so after we do have a baby, we can buy me a new wardrobe! (Bet you didn’t see that coming eh?)
* I think I realized that part of why I want a baby (besides all the crazy girl hormones) is because I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I realize this is the crux of the 20-something. I’m not 21 and single anymore. I can’t go out and party all the time. I don’t want to. But I’m not in my late 20’s and married with kids either so I don’t fit in that demographic. I think I want a baby so that I fit in somewhere. I know where I belong. Because right now, 24 and married isn’t really anywhere.
* The couple that I blogged about awhile ago with the kid who said the awful things about me? They’re back. Noah was just expressing to me last night how he’s jealous of all the wonderful friends I’ve made through blogland and how he wants friends too. So today he leaves a message on Josh (the husband of the couple)’s flickr about how cute the baby is. Josh responds wanting to have an entire conversation and pretend like nothing ever happened. He did apologize back in August and tried to patch things up but Noah wasn’t ready yet. I guess Noah is ready now. He’s struggling b/c he doesn’t want to be friends with someone who could say such things, but Josh was his best friend and he misses his friend. I told him that I would be upset, but it would be Ok. I guess I’m used to giving up on me for things that other people want.
UPDATE/CLARIFICATION: I don’t *think* (I’ve got to go back and look) that I full explained the situation. See, this might make me petty, but I just can’t forgive someone who said I was a bad teacher, called me a slut, and told Noah that he would be better off without me. I’m just not ready/able to forgive yet. How do you go back to being friends with someone that you can’t trust? For almost the whole story read http://karijo09.blogspot.com/2007/11/how-do-you-let-go.html