Growing Up

I’ve been doing some thinking lately. Well, a lot of thinking actually.

I complain about my job, but I don’t do anything about it. So in the spirit of people who make lists, I sat down and thought about the pros and cons of staying at the school where I currently live.
Pros:

  • It is a low income school, so if I stay for two to three more years, I will qualify for loan forgivness, up to $17,500.
  • I love the students that I work with. I do love low income/urban children because I feel like I really do make a difference in their lives.
  • I know and love many of the staff members at this school.
  • It pays extremely well.
  • Cons:

    • I can’t stand a lot of the staff members at this school. I can’t stand them to the point that I want to seriously hurt them some days.
    • A lot of the staff members that I know and love are planning on leaving to find another position.
    • We have no idea who the principal will be. That is scary.
    • A lot of other districts in my area cannot even begin to touch my salary.
    • The parents can be extremely difficult to work with. Extremely.

    So after looking at my list, I decided to
    a. apply for a position with another district that is exactly what I want AND pays better, because honestly? We can’t afford for me to take a pay cut. And
    b. if that doesn’t pan out, I will stay here. Because $17,500 is A LOT of money and isn’t to be tossed aside lightly.Moving on randomly….

    One of my best friends from HS emailed me today. She is pregnant. I am so excited for her and? Jealous. I emailed her back with all the congratulatory goodness. I made her promise to let me be an Aunt which is something that I might never get to be. And I started thinking. She’s 26 and her husband is 28. That’s the age that Noah and I want to start trying. Well, mostly me. But he’s going along with it. I always thought that our other friend B would be the first to get married and the first to have a baby. But I beat B on the marriage thing and it looks like S is beating B on the kid thing. I felt good about that. Why? Why did I feel good about being the first to get married? It’s not a race. It’s not a competition to be won.

    And in that vein…

    I started remembering the future my High School self had imagined. I can tell you that my HS self didn’t really see myself making to age 24. Strangely enough. But really? Noah is and is not the type of guys that I dated prior to marriage. He is tall which was my usual. He has blue eyes which is also my usual. He is awkward and ungainly and kind of a nerd. Also, my usual. However, he is NOT competitive, or athletic and he has blonde hair. I usually go for darker haired men. He is also nothing like the guys I dated b/c he’s a city kid. I always imagined I would marry a man who hunted and did outdoorsy things like my dad. And the man I thoughtI was going to marry, was none of the thingsI usually went for. N was short, dark haired, green eyed, and a power lifting champion. He was the first guy I dated to wear cologne and he drove a mustang. Isn’t it funny how, I know that I love Noah. I know that I will love him until the day I die. I know that barring unforseen complications, we will remain married until the day one of us dies. But there’s a tiny part of me that still loves N. That still wonders that he’s doing and where he lives and who he’s dating and if he’s happy and how his parents are. (I hope Noah isn’t reading this b/c he definitely won’t understand)

    So these thoughts led to thoughts about fate and choice. How much choice do we really have in our lives and how much is fate? Was I destined to be with Noah or did I choose him out of the options I was presented with? I love him to death, but what if the other N had still been in the picture? Would I have even given Noah a second glance? Would I have been at the bar that night with one of my sorority sisters or would traveling to see N have taken up so much time I wouldn’t have even pledged?

    And these thoughts about fate and choice took me back to my job situation. I made a choice and I’m leaving the rest up to fate. I wonder how she’ll treat me?

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    7 thoughts on “Growing Up

    1. Life altering decisions are so tough . . . and draining.

      Career vs kids is a really hard decision.
      I always go back to ‘if you don’t have health or family, what do you have?’

      It’ll all work out as it should, keep muddling through.

    2. well you know my thoughts per our gchat conversation yesterday. but i really do think our choices make a huge difference in where our life takes us. and if clancy and i broke up again, i know i would be wondering the same things about him as you are about N when i’m married. there are just certain people we will always wonder what if…

    3. Making a list of my own:
      1. The job thinking sounds good, and good luck with the search for a new job and/or staying at the one you are at – either way, I hope things get better for you (ie you are happier)!

      2. I hear you on the not-a-competition yet-still-kind-of-one thing. Right before graduating from college, a bunch of us on a car trip were playing around, predicting who would be the first to be married, have kids, etc. I was picked to go last. I was first. Weird how that works out sometimes…

      3. Wondering about people who touched your life, especially in a major way, is pretty normal by my book!

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