Disclaimer. This post will be disjointed.
After much thought and personal reflection, I’ve decided that I must be broken. That part of you that makes you enjoy the company of other people, that makes you want to be around other people, that makes you be nice even when you’re mad, that makes you want to have a baby, that just makes you sociable in general. I’m pretty sure it’s broken. Or at least severely damaged. I think for 6 years I’ve been hiding part of me. There is a part of me that loves my husband and wants to be around him 24/7. But there is a bigger part of me that just wants to be alone. And I don’t mean like for a half hour or a night to myself. I mean like alone alone. Like, no friends, no leaving the house, no music, no TV, just alone. Those two parts of me have been at war for 6 years. And I think the sociable part is breaking down. It wasn’t very big to begin with. I don’t make friends easily. I hardly ever keep friends. And really? I get annoyed with friends and their petty problems. I get annoyed when someone asks you for advice, but continues to do the same self-destructive behaviors and then bitches and moans. I get seriously annoyed. And I find it VERY hard to play nice.
I get really annoyed with my husband for just being himself. Not that he’s doing anything wrong, he just is being himself and I get annoyed. I just want to change him. I’ve never felt that urge before. I’ve never felt like he wasn’t perfect just the way he was. It makes me so mad at myself. I don’t understand why I can’t maintain relationships. I don’t understand why I self destruct. I don’t have any bad childhood memories. I didn’t have a hard childhood. My parents loved me. My family loved me. My parents are still together. They didn’t abuse me. I have no excuse. I don’t understand why I’m so wrong sometimes. I hate what I’m feeling. I hate that right now, I say I love you, but I don’t really mean it the way that I used to. I don’t feel gushy anymore. He wants to have sex and I just feel “ugh”. I don’t even want to do it to be nice for him. I don’t take him into consideration the way I used to. I don’t feel anything right now. It’s frustrating. I have no explanation. I just don’t feel anything. It’s not just him. It’s with everyone and everything except the dog. Satchel is the only thing in my life that I actually care about right now.
I feel off. I scoff at people talking about a quarter life crisis. Who has that? That’s silly. Mid and Quarter life crisis are for people who are too weak to take care of themselves. And yet here I am. I don’t know myself right now. I don’t recognize this person looking back at me in the mirror. I get plenty of sleep, but if I don’t have makeup on, I look like I haven’t slept in days. I went shopping this past weekend. Blew a ton of money. That usually makes me happy. But not this time. This time I still feel hollow. I still feel unhappy. I feel guilty for spending money we don’t have. I feel guilty for eating ice cream when I know I need to lose weight. I feel guilty for having no motivation.
I just feel guilty and hollow and lost.