Broken

Disclaimer.  This post will be disjointed.

After much thought and personal reflection, I’ve decided that I must be broken.  That part of you that makes you enjoy the company of other people, that makes you want to be around other people, that makes you be nice even when you’re mad, that makes you want to have a baby, that just makes you sociable in general.  I’m pretty sure it’s broken.  Or at least severely damaged.  I think for 6 years I’ve been hiding part of me.  There is a part of me that loves my husband and wants to be around him 24/7.  But there is a bigger part of me that just wants to be alone.  And I don’t mean like for a half hour or a night to myself.  I mean like alone alone.  Like, no friends, no leaving the house, no music, no TV, just alone.  Those two parts of me have been at war for 6 years.  And I think the sociable part is breaking down.  It wasn’t very big to begin with.  I don’t make friends easily.  I hardly ever keep friends.  And really?  I get annoyed with friends and their petty problems.  I get annoyed when someone asks you for advice, but continues to do the same self-destructive behaviors and then bitches and moans.  I get seriously annoyed.  And I find it VERY hard to play nice. 

I get really annoyed with my husband for just being himself.  Not that he’s doing anything wrong, he just is being himself and I get annoyed.  I just want to change him.  I’ve never felt that urge before.  I’ve never felt like he wasn’t perfect just the way he was.  It makes me so mad at myself.  I don’t understand why I can’t maintain relationships.  I don’t understand why I self destruct.  I don’t have any bad childhood memories.  I didn’t have a hard childhood.  My parents loved me.  My family loved me.  My parents are still together.  They didn’t abuse me.  I have no excuse.  I don’t understand why I’m so wrong sometimes.  I hate what I’m feeling.  I hate that right now, I say I love you, but I don’t really mean it the way that I used to.  I don’t feel gushy anymore.  He wants to have sex and I just feel “ugh”.  I don’t even want to do it to be nice for him.  I don’t take him into consideration the way I used to.  I don’t feel anything right now.  It’s frustrating.  I have no explanation.  I just don’t feel anything.  It’s not just him.  It’s with everyone and everything except the dog.  Satchel is the only thing in my life that I actually care about right now.

I feel off.  I scoff at people talking about a quarter life crisis.  Who has that?  That’s silly.  Mid and Quarter life crisis are for people who are too weak to take care of themselves.  And yet here I am.  I don’t know myself right now.  I don’t recognize this person looking back at me in the mirror.  I get plenty of sleep, but if I don’t have makeup on, I look like I haven’t slept in days.  I went shopping this past weekend.  Blew a ton of money.  That usually makes me happy.  But not this time.  This time I still feel hollow.  I still feel unhappy.  I feel guilty for spending money we don’t have.  I feel guilty for eating ice cream when I know I need to lose weight.  I feel guilty for having no motivation. 

I just feel guilty and hollow and lost.

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7 thoughts on “Broken

  1. *hugs* I’m sorry. I know what you mean about not believing in a crisis and then kind of realizing you’re in the middle of one. Believe me.

  2. I wish I had more time to leave a long comment, but I’m late getting back to work as it is… Just wanted to send you an internet (((hug))) or two, and wish you all the best. I DO know where you are coming from, wanting to be alone – I, too, often feel that way, and get very crotchety and annoyed when I do not get my needed alone time. I just hope you can find that time for yourself, use it to heal yourself and figure out what you need, and then work out where to go from there…

  3. Honey, I don’t know you, but it really sounds like you have depression. Why do I say that? Well, besides working with people who had depression as my previous proffession, my friend also has depression. She feels just like you. She felt like she was hollow and nothing was going to fix it. She surrounded herself with people even though she never actually talked when she was around them. The only way she would cope was to sleep, which isn’t healthy either. And she had anger that came seemingly from nowhere. She couldn’t explain it and no one could understand. You need to get help sooner rather than later, you can fix this to a certain extent. Just don’t let yourself continue on this lost path.

  4. Maybe you just need a break. Like a weekend by yourself to do whatever you wanted. You may just need to have some breathing room and time to kinda reset everything. And absence does make the heart grow fonder……

  5. Ugh, I know that down and alone feeling. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. If these feelings have been going on for a long time, you might want to consider seeing a counselor. I find a little therapy is very helpful when you get into a rut or continue to feel negatively and you want things to change. S/he can help give you strategies to cope, listen to your “bad” feelings and (most importantly) reassure you that you are NOT broken.

  6. Better living through chemistry. It may not be the answer but it will help get through to a point where it isn’t overwhelming.

    When I get a good dose of it I distill the problems I see down to one sentence each. From ther it is easy to see if it is my problem or their problem. If it’s mine I deal with it. If it’s theirs then I let it go.

    I found that a lot of times I was basing my happiness on somebody else’s reality. Your happiness should not be dependent on someone else doing or being something. And if you can not make your own happiness occur then it is no time to bring in a child. How can you provide happiness for that child when you can not be happy yourself.

    You can love your husband and not be good for each other. I am not even suggesting that this is the case. I am merely stating a reality.

    Hope your life turns around for you. You only get one go at it. Make it count.

    Best wishes,
    bestpi

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