The meaning of things…

I never really thought about what it means to be married.  I know it means a ring on your finger and till death do us part, but what does it really mean?

It means that I’m married to my best friend.  Which means that I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

It means that we’re going to get on each other’s nerves and we’re going to be so mad we could walk out…but it means that we won’t.

It means that we keep trying to make our relationship perfect.  Until the day we die.  But really…until the day we die.  Not until the day that I get annoyed and decide I don’t want to try anymore.  Not until the day that we buy a house at MY insistance and now we don’t have any money and money is ALWAYS a problem and one of us decides we don’t want to deal with money troubles anymore.

It means that we will make each other so happy we could burst some days, but not every day.  And that’s Ok.  That our relationship will continue to change and we don’t feel the same way about each other today as we did when we first met or as we will five, ten, twenty five years down the road.  And that’s OK.

It means that we don’t have sex every day and that’s normal.  And Ok.  (And if you’re friends of ours, it means that you no longer have to give blow jobs 🙂 )

I guess being married really means work.  It’s not going to be like in movies or poems or theatre or romance novels.  But no one tells you that.

No one tells you that you’ll get to the point where you can spend the night away from each other and it’s Ok.  No one tells you that you won’t always feel as passionate and as “OhmygodI’mgoingtodiewithoutyou” as you did when you first met.

There’s a fine line between obsession and Love.  And I’m glad I’m on the side of Love.

And another week ends…

First of all, thank you for all your kind words and support. Sometimes you just need to know you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. So thanks.

Second, I do have have an excuse for not writing this week. On Sunday we went for a bike ride with my cousin and I somehow managed to catch my front tire on the edge of the asphalt just enough to send me and my bike flying. I fell really hard. I smacked my chin on the asphalt, then my head. Thank you helmet. I also managed to land on something large enough to cut a gash in my hip and then leave a fun bruise imprint around it, banged both my knees on the ground, and trap my wrist/hand under my bike as my handlebars turned all the way around. Noah just barely manged to avoid running me over which would have definitely been awesome. But we still had 27 miles to go before we were back at the car so…I got up, wiped myself off and got back on the bike. After a couple of miles I realized I couldn’t put any weight on my right hand. Turns out I strained, possibly moved the tendons from my pinky to my wrist off the bone, and maybe have a hairline fracture. They couldn’t really tell in the xrays and they said there wasn’t much of anything they could for a fracture, so…wear this brace for a week and see how you feel. Awesome. I found all that out on Monday. But to add insult to injury on Sunday, when we loaded the bikes up on my car, Noah must not have gotten the strap tight enough and my bike flew off the back of my car at 55 mph while getting on the on ramp to 270. If I hadn’t been so worried about my bike, I would have laughed at Noah trying to dodge traffic to get my bike off the road. Awesome. Luckily, there’s only $25 worth of damage to my bike and I’m picking it up today. Needless to say, we had a busy weekend.

This week I attended a conference with my new principal. When I first met him I was sure I wouldn’t like him, but the more I talk to him and the more time I spend around him, I think he’s going to be OK. I think he’s going to *gasp* actually make me to my job (I know!), and I”m sure I’ll bitch a bit about him as the school year wears on. Solely because it’s going to be a lot different than my previous principal. But I think he’ll be fair and seriously? One of the things I recognized about myself from last year was that I was just trying to keep my head above water. All the changes and the kids acting so crazy, I didn’t teach the way I know I can. So I think it’ll be good to have someone push me to do my best.

Oh and…I cut like 6 inches off my hair last Friday! So…here’s today’s styling. It’s curly today and I really like the laid-back feel of the curly. I still miss my long hair and have no intention of keeping it short. However I had such a bad cut right before the end of the school year that the only way to remedy it was to cut that hair out. It also looks really cute in headbands. I’ll try to post a picture of one of those days later.

Curly…

Straight…

(I was going to post a picture of my bruise but…I couldn’t talk the picture without you seeing a. my undies and b. my cottage cheese thighs so…I’m going to pass. You’ll just have to trust me that even after almost a week it’s still very large and very purple.)

OH! This weekend we’re headed to my hometown county fair. Noah LOVES fairs and fair food. I can’t wait.

Also, we hung out with some people we haven’t hung out with in forever. Because they got pregnant, had a baby, and went crazy. Long back story. Needless to say, some really nasty horrible things were said that can never be taken back. And now I have to decide if I can forgive them and trust them again. It seems they are genuinely trying. So we’ll see. It was a really hard mtg for me. Which is also part of why I didn’t post (we say them last Thursday). It’s tough, but I think I’m finally healing from the incident.

Annnnnnd last thing, I promise, but Noah just downloaded the new Coldplay album and I LOVE IT!!!! It is seriously one of their best albums. WAY better than their last one, XYZ. Chris Martin has such an amazing voice.

Ok, that’s it. Have a great weekend everyone!!

Things that make you go hmmm

We went to Cincinnati with my grandparents this past weekend.  It was Ok.  The trip made me realize how much things have changed.  My grandpa has alzheimmers.  He’s had it for quite some time now.  He’s going to be 70 this year and by the time he’s 75, he won’t be my grandpa anymore.  The aracept is no longer working for him that well.  He’s just had it too long.  I noticed it when we went out to restaurants and he couldn’t remember what he wanted to order, when we talked about things we had done when I was little and he couldn’t remember where we went, and then when you question him on something he gets very upset.  Grandpa never used to get mad.  He also makes racist comments when we’re out in public and worse when we’re at home.  He never used to do that.  Not even at home.  But he’s slowly getting worse and I was really nervous a couple times that someone would hear him.  They didn’t pay for our meals and such like they would have done four years ago.  They couldn’t walk nearly as far as they could have four years ago.  They got tired more quickly.  In fact, we were back at the hotel by 7:30 each night because they were too tired to continue being out.

Other things are changing too.  I looked in the mirror on the trip and didn’t really recognize myself.  I look at pictures of myself when I was younger, even when we got married and I no longer look the same.  My face has changed so much in the eight years since high school.  Sometimes I wonder what I will look like when I’m 30.  I can’t even imagine myself at 40.  I feel like I don’t know who this person is who looks back at me from the mirror.  She wears a wedding ring, but doesn’t feel married.  And yet, without her husband she’d be totally and completely lost.  And still at times she thinks about what her life would be like right now witout him.  Most of the time she’s completely and totally in love with him and happy to be married and where they are right now.  But sometimes?  Sometimes she still wonders what life would be like if she was with her first love.  And then she kicks herself for wondering.  And worries that it’s not normal.  That it means she doesn’t love him.  I don’t know what my personal style is anymore.  In the summer I’m all jeans and t-shirts.  In the fall and winter I’m dress pants and heels.  Or jeans and heels.  And Noah wants me to be someone else.  Someone different.  And sometimes?  Sometimes I want him to be someone different too.  Like this morning when he had a temper tantrum before I was even finished drying off from my shower.  And I got mad.  And I didn’t want to be mad, but I just had not patience or consideration for someone who was going to throw my morning off quite so badly.  Sometimes I think of all the things he holds me back from and I get frustrated and I get upset.  And sometimes I think of all the things he opened me up to and how much he’s helped me become a better person and I’m thankful and want to hug him.  Sometimes I step back from myself and I don’t recognize the person that’s been a harpy to her students all summer.  I never used to be that bad.  I know I get upset with my kids easily, but it’s because I have such high expectations for them, I get disappointed and my feelings get hurt when the kids don’t live up to them.  But this person?  This person is antagonizing the bully in the classroom because she knows she can.  This person isn’t being compassionate to students she LOVES.  Students she herself got placed in the summer program because she knows they need her.  This person is impatient and cranky.  Tired and fussy.  Sharp tongued and quick to yell at the kids.  That’s not me.  I can only hope I get this figured out before school starts or this year is going to be miserable.  Add that stress on top of the stress of a new principal.

Do you ever really understand yourself?  Do you ever look in the mirror and fully know that person?  Does the romance wear off and routine set in with a marriage?  Is that normal?  Is it normal to have doubts about your marriage?  Your job?  Your ability to be a teacher, wife, mother, friend?