Today is one of those days that I feel lost.
Some days I don’t recognize the person that I am.
I didn’t know that I was the type of person who considered spending a ridiculous amount of money to keep my hair dyed and highlighted.
I didn’t know that I was the type of person who felt the need to wax every three weeks and feels weird when I don’t.
I didn’t know that I needed to wear makeup every day to feel attractive.
I didn’t know that I was a collector of “stuff.” If I had unlimited money resources, I would be one of those people you see on television, the hoarders, who can’t use their bathroom because they have so much junk.
I didn’t know that it would matter so much to me that I have children. Or that it would bother me that other people are having children and I’m not. Or that my friends will be on their second and third children before Noah and I are ready for one.
I didn’t know that I would ever give in to Noah the way that I do about money, dinner, pretty much everything. People think that I wear the pants but I don’t. He gets pretty much whatever he wants because I have a hard time telling him no.
I didn’t know that when the scale read the smallest number it has since I got married, I would still consider parts of myself fat and see parts that I need to work on. 20 pounds ago I would never have thought I would feel this way. I hate those girls who bitch and moan because they weigh 127 and they’re only 5’3″. I hate that. You’re skinny. Shut up. But here I am bitching about 132.
I never thought I would be agreeing to live in the country and let my husband have a small farm. I moved away from that because I didn’t want it.
I didn’t know that I cared this much about what other people thought of me. That I cared this much to keep up appearances at the risk of drowning in debt.
I know that we are all works in progress, but some days I don’t recognize where I am in that progression.