Goodbye 2010…

Hello 2011!

I read all these posts on facebook about how awful 2010 was but for me, it wasn’t such an awful year.  I’ve done a lot of great and fun things in 2010 and I’ve been lucky enough that God hasn’t given me more than I can handle in 2010.  I’m not sad to see it go because it means we’re moving forward into hopefully a new chapter of our lives, but I’m not kicking it on its way out the door.

We’re spending tonight in the company of some good friends, just hanging out at their house.  Nothing fancy or big and I’m pretty excited about it.

One of the many bloggers I love to read posted a nifty little wrap up so I thought I would copy it.

In 2011…

I hope…we get pregnant and start a family.  Quickly.  Easily.  I hope my grandma finally gets rid of her shingles and gets back to normal.  I hope they find a cure for Alzheimer’s.

I will…continue to work on becoming a better person and a better teacher.  I have days where I really feel like I’m making a difference and I’m doing the best job I can and there are other days where all I want to do is go home and crawl in bed.  I want to work on the days where I want to crawl in bed.  How can I turn those days around?  Part of that is continuing to work on becoming a more positive person in general.  I feel better when I’m thinking positive.

I want…to run faster, swim better, bike more efficiently, set more PRs and complete my first triathlon.  Not just to complete it either, but to really rock it.  I want to improve on my PRs and race times from this year.

I need…to chill.  To relax.  To let go of the little things.

I fear…being a bad mother, teacher, wife, friend.  I fear what it will do to my marriage and to me mental health if we don’t get pregnant next year.  I fear my grandparents passing away.

 

Random Wednesday Musings

*I really don’t want to go to dinner with my husband’s family tonight.  It’s always a long, drawn out ordeal surrounded by fake people.  But we’ll go to be nice.

*I ran a quick 2 miles on the treadmill and then swam 400 meters immediately after.  I’m having second thoughts about this whole Triathlon thing.  I am beginning to feel like it’s not a good fit for me.  I’m paying someone to coach me, but I’m not sure if I can follow through with the training.

*I have two days to finish two and a bit of a third embroidery towels before they are gifted on New Year’s Eve.  I hve concerns about it being finished.

*The Christmas tree is sitting out on the curb!  I wrestled it out of the house while Noah was out running last night.  There were needles and water everywhere.  I clogged our vacuum with dog hair and I clogged the shop vac with pine needles while I tried to clean up the house.  There was lots of cursing.  But the decorations are back downstairs, the tree is by the curb, and the table is decorated for January.  Never mind that it didn’t get decorated for Christmas…

*I think I’m done with the Christmas returning, but we still have to celebrate with my mom’s family on Sunday.  Grandma has been sick so we had to cancel/reschedule Christmas Eve celebrations.  After talking to her on the phone today, I think we should probably reschedule again but I don’t think she’s going to listen to anyone.  I hope she gets better soon because if she doesn’t, I’m afraid she’ll end up in the hospital.

*I don’t want to go back to work…Wah.

How was your Christmas?  Plans for New Year’s Eve?

Ten on Tuesday

Since I am home and feeling like death, I thought I would do the Ten on Tuesday.

1. What was the number one item on your Christmas wishlist?
Um…not really sure.  I made a list, but I wasn’t really really psyched about any of it.  Maybe the USAT (Triathlon) subscription so that I wouldn’t have to pay extra for any of the races I enter this summer.

2. Did you get the number one item on your Christmas wishlist?
No.  Sadness.  But I did get a fun magenta coat!

3. How long has it been since you’ve had a pedicure?
Um wow.  Right before I got married in 2004!  I’m not a big fan of pedicures.

4. How cold is it in your city today?
It is currently 22 degrees, but it feels like 9.  Even if I felt up to it, I wouldn’t be running outside in this weather!

5. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two.  Or none.  Sometimes I start on my side, but end up on my stomach with no pillows.

6. Can you roll your tongue?
Nope.  Can’t roll it.  But  can turn it completely over!

7. Do you always buy the same mascara or do you try new ones each tube?
I pretty much stick to the same brand.  I’ve switched twice because mine went up to $8 a tube which is ridiculous.  Hated the Covergirl but loved the newest bright green one…Maybelline?

8. What’s your favorite cookbook?
My mother!  I use lots of her recipes.  I also got a Betty Crocker cookbook as a bridal shower present and it’s got lots of good stuff in it too.

9. What was your first pet?
As an adult, my first pet was a cat named Sony.  She didn’t work out very well and we ended up taking her back to the adoption place.  Then we got Satchel, our dog, as a wedding present and he’s pretty wonderful!  My first pet that was mine as a child was a little orange kitten we found at the end of the driveway on trash day.  He ended up dieing mysteriously so…WARNING GRAPHIC…my dad had to remove his head and send it away so that we could figure out how he died and make sure that none of our other animals were in danger.

10. Do you wear jewelry on a daily basis?
Absolutely.  Bare minimum I wear my watch, wedding rings, my mom’s wedding ring, and my celtic bracelet.  I usually also have earrings in and one of my many natural stone rings.

Married Life?

Being at my parent’s house this week had made me realize a few things about myself. 

I don’t miss Noah.  I miss having a person to snuggle with me and I miss having someone to talk to, but I don’t miss him specifically.  I am very concerned about this.  I’ve thought about it a lot this week.  I’ve tried to force myself to miss him.  But I don’t.  He called tonight to talk to me about some of the things he needs to bring with him tomorrow when he comes and he was so pissy.  He’s always so pissy.  He’s a really cranky person in general.  Whenever things don’t go his way or when little things are going wrong, he blows them out of proportion.  He gets so upset for stupid little things.  I get tired of  having to always be the upbeat, happy person in the relationship.  It’s draining.  His constant negativity is very draining.  And then he blames it on me.  He says he doesn’t get this way until he talks to me or until I’m around.  That’s not helping anything.  It doesn’t solve the problem.

I feel like I’m not actually happy.  Right now I feel like I’m just staying married because it’s convenient.  Because it fits with my life plan.  Because it’s more hassle to get divorced than it is to stay married.  I’m not unhappy but I don’t think I’m happy either.  But then I feel like I was raised that you don’t give up.  You don’t give up on marriage, you fight for it and you stick it out even when it gets tough.  But what if this isn’t just a tough time?  What if we have a kid and this just gets worse?  What if we have a kid and I feel like I can’t leave him because what does that say about me and our family?  My family would definitely disapprove.

I feel like he’s holding having kids against me.  I told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t want kids, we couldn’t be together anymore because I did want kids and it was a deal breaker.  So he’s eventually come around to saying that he wants kids too.  But I still feel like he holds it against me.  He gets mad at me when it gets brought up.  He talks about how our lives will be over when we have kids.  He talks about how much he’s going to have to give up and can’t I just let him do things now while we don’t have a kid because once we have a kid, he’s going to have to give up everything.  He talks about how I’m going to get fat and become a “mom” and he says the word with such derision.

I am frustrated with him.  And I’m frustrated with my time spent here at my parent’s house because I feel like it’s made me think about our relationship and consider where I stand in our relationship.  Instead of enjoying my family and the time I get to spend with them, it has made me feel like I’m a failure because there are times I consider leaving him.  There are times when I tell myself that I am worth more than this and that I deserve to be happy and if I’m not happy with him, then I will find it with someone else. 

But then I remind myself that I wasn’t raised this way.  I remind myself that we’ll get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else.  I remind myself that he loves me and that our relationship is worth working for.  I remind myself that the romance novels and the romantic comedies are wrong.  Married life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.  Spouses consider leaving each other and that doesn’t make them bad people.  It doesn’t define their marriage.  What they choose to do when they have those thoughts is what defines them and their marriage.  And for now, I think it’s still worth working for.

Ten on Tuesday

I’m a little bored here at Mom and Dad’s.  There’s not a whole lot to do although I’m playing lots of DSi and have gotten two more Christmas presents done.  Only three more hand made presents to go…Not sure if I’m going to make it!

1. Do you do any volunteer work?
    I don’t do any volunteer work right now although I would consider all of the time I spend at before and after school working on things for my students and all the money I spend making things for them to use and work with volunteer time!

2. Do you have night and/or morning ritual?
     Not really.  I rarely remember to take my makeup off at night and sometimes I forget to take my vitamins.  I’m pretty bad with routines 🙂

3. Would you rather exercise or diet? Why?
     I would rather….diet.  If it worked.  I guess not…I think I’d just rather do both.  I like to diet b/c it’s not as much work as exercising but then I like to exercise because it lets me eat what I want to eat and not gain any weight!

4. If you would rather exercise, do you prefer going to a gym or working out at home?
     I must prefer to work out at home or from home if possible.  But lately our Tri Coach has wanted us to swim and I really enjoy going to the gym to do that.

5. What do you think is a huge waste of time?
     Lots of things!  Umm….working harder instead of smarter.  I don’t see any point in wasting time doing something one way when it could be done a much quicker way.  Also worrying about what other people think of you.  I’m not great at that but I’m working on it.

6. What is one way you save time?
    I multi-task.  I watch Law and Order while I work around the house and do laundry 🙂

7. What is your current obsession?
     Egg nogg.  Yum!
    
8. What is a current obsession you can’t wait to pass?
    It’s not an obsession for me, but the jegging.  It needs to go.

9. Are you currently reading a book? If so, what book? Would you recommend it?
    I am reading Monsters of Men.  It’s the third book in trilogy by Patrick Ness.  The trilogy is really good and interesting.  I have enjoyed it!

10. Since we had the 90s question last week, what’s your favorite songs from 00′s?
    The 90’s and the 00’s blur together for me.  I couldn’t really pick just one….

A little late…

I got an email in November about a Jingle Bell Run in downtown Columbus.  The email said that our school district was getting a team together and that all of our money would be donated in one of our main office employee’s names.  It was just a 5k, I didn’t have anything else going on that day so I figured why not.  It’ll look good that I’m doing something with the district and it’ll be fun.  Except nobody else from the district signed up!  But I convinced a friend to sign up.  I sewed jingle bells to a reindeer headband and C tied them to her shoes.  It was an uneventful 5k and I ran C’s pace so that she could have her first PR in a race.  We had fun and we took our picture with Santa!

MIA?

Sorry I’ve been MIA.  There’s been a lot going on.

First, a little old lady turned left in front of me without a green turn arrow and hit my car.  Of course.  Then she proceeded to leave the scene.  Luckily a good Samaritan saw her leave the scene and called the police with her license plate.  They were able to track her down and she admitted fault.  My car is slightly damaged, but I’m not driving it b/c it doesn’t have a right headlight and that’s illegal.  So I’m driving a Civic.  And no offense to anyone who has a Civic, but it’s chintzy.  It’s definitely not as nice as my car and I miss my car.  There is not ETR on the arrival of parts for my car so we have no idea how long this will take.  Le Sigh.

Next, I got an online account warning that our bank account had dropped below $30.  And I’m thinking really?  It should be around $150.  So I hop online and I check it out and turns out…someone has hacked my husband’s debit card and is using it to make fraudulant purchases.  So I freak out of course.  I call the bank and they can’t help me that day because the charges were “pending” and not completed.  I had to wait until the charges were completed before they could do anything.  So they are investigating and temporarily gave us our money back.  Noah has no debit card right now and hopefully won’t have an emergency.  Blah.  No idea how long this is going to take.

On top of those things, work is stressing me out.  I feel somewhat like a failure.  I chose to be a special ed teacher.  I knew that was what I wanted to teach.  I’ve never felt like I needed a change until this year.  I feel like I’m failing at my chosen profession.  Like I can’t do it.  And I hate to feel that way.  But next year I definitely need a change.  I don’t know if that means going back to regular education or if that means moving to a high school, but I need a break.  I hope that eventually I’ll get back to special ed, but for now I need a break.  I’m starting to feel burnt out and I want to make the change while I’m still doing a good job.  I want to make the change before I’m no longer effective.

Sorry to be so mopey.  I’m just feeling….frustrated and stressed.  We’ve got stressful situations going on, we’re trying to pay off debt, we joined a Triathlon Team so that’s money out the door and more time devoted to exercise which means less time at home.  Our house is a wreck and I’m not done with the homemade Christmas, nor will I be done in time.  I just feel blah.