Married Life?

Being at my parent’s house this week had made me realize a few things about myself. 

I don’t miss Noah.  I miss having a person to snuggle with me and I miss having someone to talk to, but I don’t miss him specifically.  I am very concerned about this.  I’ve thought about it a lot this week.  I’ve tried to force myself to miss him.  But I don’t.  He called tonight to talk to me about some of the things he needs to bring with him tomorrow when he comes and he was so pissy.  He’s always so pissy.  He’s a really cranky person in general.  Whenever things don’t go his way or when little things are going wrong, he blows them out of proportion.  He gets so upset for stupid little things.  I get tired of  having to always be the upbeat, happy person in the relationship.  It’s draining.  His constant negativity is very draining.  And then he blames it on me.  He says he doesn’t get this way until he talks to me or until I’m around.  That’s not helping anything.  It doesn’t solve the problem.

I feel like I’m not actually happy.  Right now I feel like I’m just staying married because it’s convenient.  Because it fits with my life plan.  Because it’s more hassle to get divorced than it is to stay married.  I’m not unhappy but I don’t think I’m happy either.  But then I feel like I was raised that you don’t give up.  You don’t give up on marriage, you fight for it and you stick it out even when it gets tough.  But what if this isn’t just a tough time?  What if we have a kid and this just gets worse?  What if we have a kid and I feel like I can’t leave him because what does that say about me and our family?  My family would definitely disapprove.

I feel like he’s holding having kids against me.  I told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t want kids, we couldn’t be together anymore because I did want kids and it was a deal breaker.  So he’s eventually come around to saying that he wants kids too.  But I still feel like he holds it against me.  He gets mad at me when it gets brought up.  He talks about how our lives will be over when we have kids.  He talks about how much he’s going to have to give up and can’t I just let him do things now while we don’t have a kid because once we have a kid, he’s going to have to give up everything.  He talks about how I’m going to get fat and become a “mom” and he says the word with such derision.

I am frustrated with him.  And I’m frustrated with my time spent here at my parent’s house because I feel like it’s made me think about our relationship and consider where I stand in our relationship.  Instead of enjoying my family and the time I get to spend with them, it has made me feel like I’m a failure because there are times I consider leaving him.  There are times when I tell myself that I am worth more than this and that I deserve to be happy and if I’m not happy with him, then I will find it with someone else. 

But then I remind myself that I wasn’t raised this way.  I remind myself that we’ll get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else.  I remind myself that he loves me and that our relationship is worth working for.  I remind myself that the romance novels and the romantic comedies are wrong.  Married life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.  Spouses consider leaving each other and that doesn’t make them bad people.  It doesn’t define their marriage.  What they choose to do when they have those thoughts is what defines them and their marriage.  And for now, I think it’s still worth working for.

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4 thoughts on “Married Life?

  1. Sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time. I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort but I don’t. Only because this is def a personal battle.

    You deserve the best, to be happy. Everyone does.

    All I have to offer is support.

  2. Marriages ARE hard and having a negative person in your life is hard too. If it is worth fighting for then do it. Sit down with Noah, tell him your feelings and together decide what needs to be done to make it better. Chances are he’s not happy either. Is therapy an option?

    I’ve been there, I get it. I don’t always miss my husband because I find I take him for granted way too often.

    Plus, it is the Holidays and I know I get super emotional and crazy this time of year.

    Good luck, thinking about you.

  3. My husband and I went through a similar thing recently. Kids aren’t really the issue, as we’re both in a similar place right now with regard to that subject, but after months living apart (due to work), I got used to it. I didn’t miss him. And that raised a whole bunch of other issues. Now that we’re living together again, we’re working it out.

    Divorces are hard. And it does seem easier to stay married. But life is only short when you’re happy. It’s long and difficult when you’re not.

    With us, I knew I could be happy again in our marriage. This unhappiness wouldn’t be forever. I just needed to figure out how to change it. I think we’re on the right path now, but time will tell.

    Hugs to you. Just know you’re not alone.

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