Being at my parent’s house this week had made me realize a few things about myself.
I don’t miss Noah. I miss having a person to snuggle with me and I miss having someone to talk to, but I don’t miss him specifically. I am very concerned about this. I’ve thought about it a lot this week. I’ve tried to force myself to miss him. But I don’t. He called tonight to talk to me about some of the things he needs to bring with him tomorrow when he comes and he was so pissy. He’s always so pissy. He’s a really cranky person in general. Whenever things don’t go his way or when little things are going wrong, he blows them out of proportion. He gets so upset for stupid little things. I get tired of having to always be the upbeat, happy person in the relationship. It’s draining. His constant negativity is very draining. And then he blames it on me. He says he doesn’t get this way until he talks to me or until I’m around. That’s not helping anything. It doesn’t solve the problem.
I feel like I’m not actually happy. Right now I feel like I’m just staying married because it’s convenient. Because it fits with my life plan. Because it’s more hassle to get divorced than it is to stay married. I’m not unhappy but I don’t think I’m happy either. But then I feel like I was raised that you don’t give up. You don’t give up on marriage, you fight for it and you stick it out even when it gets tough. But what if this isn’t just a tough time? What if we have a kid and this just gets worse? What if we have a kid and I feel like I can’t leave him because what does that say about me and our family? My family would definitely disapprove.
I feel like he’s holding having kids against me. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t want kids, we couldn’t be together anymore because I did want kids and it was a deal breaker. So he’s eventually come around to saying that he wants kids too. But I still feel like he holds it against me. He gets mad at me when it gets brought up. He talks about how our lives will be over when we have kids. He talks about how much he’s going to have to give up and can’t I just let him do things now while we don’t have a kid because once we have a kid, he’s going to have to give up everything. He talks about how I’m going to get fat and become a “mom” and he says the word with such derision.
I am frustrated with him. And I’m frustrated with my time spent here at my parent’s house because I feel like it’s made me think about our relationship and consider where I stand in our relationship. Instead of enjoying my family and the time I get to spend with them, it has made me feel like I’m a failure because there are times I consider leaving him. There are times when I tell myself that I am worth more than this and that I deserve to be happy and if I’m not happy with him, then I will find it with someone else.
But then I remind myself that I wasn’t raised this way. I remind myself that we’ll get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else. I remind myself that he loves me and that our relationship is worth working for. I remind myself that the romance novels and the romantic comedies are wrong. Married life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Spouses consider leaving each other and that doesn’t make them bad people. It doesn’t define their marriage. What they choose to do when they have those thoughts is what defines them and their marriage. And for now, I think it’s still worth working for.