worry wart

I literally (lit-rally if you watch Parks and Rec) stress and worry about everything.  From the smallest thing that I have control over to the very large things that I don’t have control over.

But now?  I feel like I have a legitimate reason to worry.

I *think* I’m going to get offered the second grade position that I want…or at least I think I WAS going to get offered the position.  They called yesterday to tell me that they hoped to have a final answer in the next 24 hours.  I was at work, but I knew that the phone call was from the school so I answered it.  And about 30 seconds into the phone call, the director of summer school walked in.  And saw me on the phone.  I could see by her face that she was mad but I thought that I would be able to send an email and explain and all would be well.

And then.  I got to my second job and logged into my email to email her and saw that she had already emailed me and my school year principal to contact her regarding my observation.  Long story short, she hated everything about what I do.  She told my principal that I was unprofessional and that I did a horrible job.  She asked why I was on the phone so I told her and she asked specifically about what school and what job.  I’m very concerned that she’s going to call them (or already has called them) to tell them not to hire me.

It’s so frustrating that she observed me for a half hour on one day and has made a judgement about my teaching that may affect my career options.  I feel that generally I am doing a good job.  I feel that the students’ pre and post test scores will show that I’m doing a good job.  I know that it wasn’t my best lesson, but I didn’t think it was as bad as she made it out to be.  I won’t respond to her saying she didn’t like the way I interact with the kids, that’s my teaching style always has been and it works so I don’t see a real need to change it.  I am very laid back with the kids and tend to communicate with them in language that they use with each other.  I think it lessons the negative connotation of a verbal reprimand.  I’ve never ever had a negative review from any of my principals or observers.  In fact, two summers ago I was the teacher they put on the news because of my teaching.  I’ve never encountered this before.  I think she was mad because I was on my phone and decided to pick me apart.  I crafted an email this morning and sent it after summer school today in response to her phone call.  I spent most of the phone call in tears (which embarasses me) and wasn’t able to defend myself and justify what happend and what she saw.

The job was supposed to contact me today and I haven’t heard.  I do think that she is the kind of person who would contact them.  She asked very specifically about the position.  She said the conversation was just between us, but I know for a fact that she contacted my principal so I have a hard time believing that she wouldn’t call them.  I will admit that it wasn’t my best lesson but I didn’t think it was as bad as she made it out to be.  The kids are learning and I stand behind what I’m doing.

But there’s a tiny part of me, well right now a very large part of me, that is going to worry and worry and worry about this until I get final word about the job.  The other interviews have all turned me down so I’m not feeling very confidant at this point in time.

NPR in the morning

*disclaimer: This is my blog, hence this is my opinion.  You are entitled to yours, I’m not saying that mine is right or that yours is wrong.  You don’t have to agree, but please be polite.  Thx.

I was listening to NPR this morning on my way to work.  Some mornings I can’t handle music that early and since my stomach was all kinds of crampy and I had a headache and my coffee hadn’t kicked in yet…I listened to NPR.  They were talking about the republican candidates for the next presidential election and the stances they have taken on different issues.

I don’t consider myself to be either a republican or a democrat.  I am registered independent.  I try really hard to listen to/read about the candidates positions and then vote for the one that most closely resembles my own.  I realize that most of their campaign promises are fluff and probably won’t come true but…this segment has  me a little concerned.

NPR said that all but 2 (I think) of the republican candidates have signed a pledge.  The pledge says that if they get elected, they promise to not place anyone in the positions that they get to place people (brain fart on what that should be called…) who is pro-choice regardless of whether or not that position would have any influence on that debate.  They also promise to cut funding from Planned Parenthood and any other government-funded agency that does abortions.  They promise to try to revoke Roe v. Wade.

Now.  You are entitled to your opinion.  And your life choices and background will definitely impact your opinion on this but…I’m pro choice.  It’s not a choice that I ever want to have to make and I consider myself EXTREMELY lucky to not have been in a position to have to make that choice.  I know that I could not go through with an abortion myself, but I also believe that women have the right to make that very personal choice.  I have two close friends that I know have had abortions.  I know how it has impacted their lives and how they currently feel about it.  As I have matured, my opinions have changed on the subject, but I still believe that it’s a choice a woman can make.  There are situations where it may be necessary for the women’s health.  There are situations where women have been raped and don’t want to have to look at the child of their rapist every day.  There are situations where the baby has a genetic disorder and may only live a few days in extreme pain.  There are situations where I can understand.

I’ve said all that to say that I’m concerned about this radical view-point.  I think they are villianizing (spell check says that’s not a word) Planned Parenthood.  Abortions only make up 3% of what Planned Parenthood does.  As a broke college student, I had to use Planned Parenthood to get my birth control.  They do a lot of counseling and support women.  Planned Parenthood does a lot of really positive things for women and the community.  If they cut funding from Planned Parenthood, where does it stop?  Will they cut funding from hospitals?  Will abortions go back to being back room affairs where the mother and the child end up dieing?  Will they say that birth control is a form of abortion and make birth control illegal?  If they revoke Roe v. Wade, where will it end?   I don’t want the government having this much control over my life.

I’m really not sure how to end this.  I realize that this is a lot of hype right now and may never come to fruition but I’m concerned that this pledge and whether or not the candidates sign it is being used as a barometer of how likely they are to get the republican nomination.  This isn’t where I want to see our country headed.

bummer summer?

I didn’t get the middle school job that I interviewed for.  And I don’t have any other interviews lined up.  *sigh*  I never dreamed that I wouldn’t be able to change jobs for next year.  I really don’t want to go back to my autism position.

But…enough of that.  I feel like all I’ve done lately is complain.  So I’m going to list at least five things that make me happy, thank I’m thankful for, or that are going well.

1.  The kitchen floor is installed.  We still have to do trim and thresholds, but at least the big main part is done and it looks amazing!

2.  The money from summer school should pay off about half of our last credit card!  Whoo hoo!

3.  We finally found a leather chair that we like.  When we got married 7 years go, Noah’s parents gave us the money for a leather chair.  His grandparents had done that for his parents, so they wanted to do it for us.  We’ve looked and looked and just never found anything that we liked and agreed on.  We finally found one!  The store isn’t open again until Thursday but hopefully the rain will hold off long enough for us to go get it.

4.  The garden looks awesome.  All of our plants are really thriving in this rain.  Our corn looks good, the zuccini and cucumbers are flowering, the potatoes are growing out of their bag…it’s all looking awesome.  And since it’s raining so much, I haven’t managed to kill the garden by not watering!  We do still need to plant the lettuce, but it’ll happen one of these days.

5.  I am thankful that I have a job.  I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t have jobs for next year.  So at least I have a job.  It may not be the one that I want, but at least it’s something.

What’s making you happy lately?

As the world turns

Well I didn’t get turned down for the second grade job but I didn’t get it either.  They are in a “holding pattern” which basically means that it might not be a real position and they might not make the final decision until August.

I had another interview Thursday with a middle school.  I should know about that one mid week next week.  I think it went well, but you never know.  I don’t have middle school experience so I don’t know if they’re willing to take a chance on me.

I have to sit through a meeting with the co-worker who lies next Friday.  I can only hope that I’ll be offered and accept the middle school position before the so I can tell her to shove it.  I tried to talk to my principal about it today but he didn’t seem to be receptive.  Despite the fact that I am the third person this co-worker has worked with who has had the same issue with her.  He doesn’t want to do anything about it.  I thought I would have until August to figure out how I was going to deal with her, but now I’ve got to deal with her in a week.  Ugh.

We have a lot of work to do this weekend.  We have to mow front and back, finish the floor, put up the trim, and clean like mo’ fo’s.  This house hasn’t been touched in about two or more weeks.  I just didn’t see the point in cleaning when we were going to be making a mess with the floor install.  Now it’s coming back to haunt me!  We also both have to work tomorrow, I have running club in the morning, and I have to work tonight.  Toooooo much to do before my family comes on Sunday.  I just want to curl up and take a nap but there’s too much to do.

After Sunday I plan on taking a mini vacation for myself.  I won’t do anything for anyone at all until next Friday and that stupid meeting.

Ugh

I’m just in a foul mood today…this week…nothing is working out right now.

*The kitchen is not ready to install flooring.
*I have to work tomorrow for summer school.
*I have a race on Sunday but I hurt my quad at softball so I am definitely not ready for it. And I have to find time to pick up my race packet sometime today.
*No one is friendly here at summer school. I just wanted to grab lunch with someone but no one is willing or they packed or they are going home.
*I bombed the interview yesterday but won’t get final actual word until Monday.
*One of my co-workers who I dislike but remained professional with ripped me on Facebook on Tuesday night. Out of nowhere. Not even talking to her. Apparently she’s been trying to get my co-teachers to talk sh*t about me and they won’t, but still…why bother? I didn’t do anything to her. I hate petty high school crap.
*Got here at 9 and don’t get to go home until 6:30. Stupid long day. I need to go my school still to pick stuff up. We have a two hour break but I can’t go home b/c I live too far away.

I just want today to be over.

Hulk mad…hulk smash

I had a little mini meltdown today at work.

It all starts a couple weeks ago, well really around Christmas, but let’s go back a couple weeks. I had applied for another position within my building for next school year. I am qualified for this position, I have experience in this position, I have glowing reviews from my principal, and I’ve spoken with him at length about how I’m not happy in my current position but would prefer to stay at my current school. I apply. He doesn’t interview me. He calls me to his office to talk about other things and as I’m getting ready to leave he says, “OH and as a professional courtesy, I don’t really need to interview you for the position b/c I’m familiar with your work. I really like what you’re doing in your current position, you’re really good at it, and because I like you in that position so much I’m not going to offer you the position that you want.” Awesome. In one breath you tell me that I’m doing a really great job and that you’re happy with my work but…you don’t like it enough to give me a job that I’m qualified for? Then he continues with telling me that he’s had a few phone calls from other principals and he’s been talking me up. Ok. Great. Thanks a lot.

So today a co-worker is trying to be nice and asks another girl if she got the position. Right in front of me. Now I have to stand there and smile at someone who IS NOT EVEN EMPLOYED BY THE DISTRICT go on and on about how happy she is to have the job. I’m sorry but F you dude. You’re not even an employee of the district, you’re a long term sub. The only reason you got the job was b/c my principal is afraid of one of the other teachers in the building and you happen to be her son’s girlfriend’s best friend.

I’m just so mad. I do not want to do this job next year. It is not a good fit for me. I told him that. One of my students has pushed me to the very edge of what I can handle and it won’t be good for him or me if I continue in my position next year. I really need to get out of there and I had a golden opportunity where I could have stayed with the staff that I enjoy…but no, some other person who has had complaints about her performance gets the job. I’ve never in the 6 years I’ve been teaching had a complaint about my performance.

And I’m mad b/c no one seems to understand why I’m upset. They just tell me that it will be OK. And I know that it will. I know that I have a path and that everything happens for a reason, but right now it’s really hard to understand that. I’m having a hard time with this. I’ve felt like crying since noon. I’ve applied for 18 other jobs with other districts and gotten nothing but generic rejection letters. I need something good to happen right now.

Plans, plans, and more plans

So I’m going to put it in print and then you all can hold me responsible (unless I get injured and then all bets are off). I’m going to run a full marathon Oct. 9th. I’m going to run the Towpath Marathon in the Cleveland area. We did the half there last year and it was gorgeous. Amazing scenery, great weather, soft packed trail, and super super flat. So I’m going to attempt that in October. I think this makes sense because Noah has pushed babies back until after October 11th. So this may be my last chance for awhile to do something on this large of a scale. I’ll still be riding and I’ll hopefully still be doing a few duathlons this summer but…the marathon will be my primary focus.

I’m also getting ready to be a pace leader for a Saturday morning running group. I’m pretty nervous about this! It means that other people are counting on me for my pace. They are counting on me to be consistent and there every Saturday. I’m hoping that this will help me stick with my marathon training plan.

I ran the Warrior Dash in Logan Ohio on Saturday. Man did that suck. And not because of the obstacles! The obstacles were the least of my worries! The worst part was the hills. I have never encountered hills that steep. It was primarily uphill and the few chances you got to go downhill were so technical and steep, you couldn’t take advantage of the downward momentum. I am still finding mud in my ears! All in all, a good time and I would like to participate in the Sept. race, I just need to get Noah to join me!

I have a full schedule this summer…again. Why do I do this to myself? I always overload myself and then I get annoyed with myself b/c I don’t have any down time. I’ve got summer school starting June 9th (which is the day AFTER the last day of school) and that will go 5 days a week until July. On top of that I’m working at the Trek store, training for the marathon, and trying to get some races in.

We’ve got the kitchen floor here in the house acclimating so we can begin installing this week. The next big remodel is hopefully going to be the bathroom. I took out the shower door all by myself the other day before we took a load of flooring to the dump so it’s partially started. 🙂 With that door out of there I can see how much nicer it will look with fresh, shiny tile. I just have to convince Noah of that! I do NOT want to shower in that gross shower while pregnant. Yuck.

I picked up 12 books from the library today and have 13 more on hold for me. I have high hopes of doing lots of reading and sitting on the couch or in the sun this summer. If you’ve got any good recommendations, I’d love to hear them. I enjoy teen fiction, vampires, and smutty romance 😉