worry wart

I literally (lit-rally if you watch Parks and Rec) stress and worry about everything.  From the smallest thing that I have control over to the very large things that I don’t have control over.

But now?  I feel like I have a legitimate reason to worry.

I *think* I’m going to get offered the second grade position that I want…or at least I think I WAS going to get offered the position.  They called yesterday to tell me that they hoped to have a final answer in the next 24 hours.  I was at work, but I knew that the phone call was from the school so I answered it.  And about 30 seconds into the phone call, the director of summer school walked in.  And saw me on the phone.  I could see by her face that she was mad but I thought that I would be able to send an email and explain and all would be well.

And then.  I got to my second job and logged into my email to email her and saw that she had already emailed me and my school year principal to contact her regarding my observation.  Long story short, she hated everything about what I do.  She told my principal that I was unprofessional and that I did a horrible job.  She asked why I was on the phone so I told her and she asked specifically about what school and what job.  I’m very concerned that she’s going to call them (or already has called them) to tell them not to hire me.

It’s so frustrating that she observed me for a half hour on one day and has made a judgement about my teaching that may affect my career options.  I feel that generally I am doing a good job.  I feel that the students’ pre and post test scores will show that I’m doing a good job.  I know that it wasn’t my best lesson, but I didn’t think it was as bad as she made it out to be.  I won’t respond to her saying she didn’t like the way I interact with the kids, that’s my teaching style always has been and it works so I don’t see a real need to change it.  I am very laid back with the kids and tend to communicate with them in language that they use with each other.  I think it lessons the negative connotation of a verbal reprimand.  I’ve never ever had a negative review from any of my principals or observers.  In fact, two summers ago I was the teacher they put on the news because of my teaching.  I’ve never encountered this before.  I think she was mad because I was on my phone and decided to pick me apart.  I crafted an email this morning and sent it after summer school today in response to her phone call.  I spent most of the phone call in tears (which embarasses me) and wasn’t able to defend myself and justify what happend and what she saw.

The job was supposed to contact me today and I haven’t heard.  I do think that she is the kind of person who would contact them.  She asked very specifically about the position.  She said the conversation was just between us, but I know for a fact that she contacted my principal so I have a hard time believing that she wouldn’t call them.  I will admit that it wasn’t my best lesson but I didn’t think it was as bad as she made it out to be.  The kids are learning and I stand behind what I’m doing.

But there’s a tiny part of me, well right now a very large part of me, that is going to worry and worry and worry about this until I get final word about the job.  The other interviews have all turned me down so I’m not feeling very confidant at this point in time.

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