One day at a time

I’m just working on trying to be happy and find one good thing each day.

Last night we celebrated a friend’s 30th birthday with a nice chill party. It was a late night, quiet drive home with two sleeping boys.

Our friend has always wanted a record bowl but not been able to find one so Noah and I experimented with several records. I think she liked them! We kept one for ourselves and I’m pretty proud of it.

20110731-103817.jpg

a new day

Forgive my emotional bomb yesterday.  It didn’t just happen here…it happened at home as well.  I’m not sure that nursing is the way to go, but I know that I need to do something.  Something needs to change and I’m going to figure out what that is and make it happen.

I feel better today.  Thanks for being my “shoulder”

crossroads

I feel like I’m in a funk lately.  Like I don’t really know who I am.  Like I’m always waiting.

We’re waiting to have children.  We’re waiting to move.  I’m waiting for this school year to end (forget that it hasn’t even started yet).  I’m waiting to get to my real life.

I realize that these are first world problems and they are probably mid-20’s people problems.  But they are my problems and this is my blog 🙂

I’m nervous for the school year to start.  One of my assistants has really close ties to the woman who is a total biotch to me and lied behind my back.  Not even sure how to address that issue.  Do I talk to her?  Do I ask her to please keep what goes on in our classroom in our classroom?  Do I ignore it?  I already ignored it and look where that got me.  But I’m afraid that talking to her about it will make it worse.   I do genuinely like my assistant and I don’t want her to be in the middle of this.  But I’m already there and by proxy, she is too.  So where to go with that?

I feel like I should get more involved in my school.  Last year was weird with the contact issues at the start of the year and then not really knowing anyone or anything.  But I am normally very involved and in leadership roles at work.  So I feel like I should get more involved.  At the same time, it’s definitely an “old boys club” and I’m not even sure how to break in.  I tried a bit last year but my principal didn’t keep me informed about what was going on and I ended up getting left out of meetings and such so it didn’t work out.  Right now I just don’t feel like making the effort.  I feel like he and members of the staff screwed me over for next school year and so why should I put myself out there?

As if that’s not the icing on the cake, my district is going back for a levy.  They just got one passed in the 09/10 school year.  This district has some serious issues with money management.  They are already a lower paying district in Columbus but they can’t seem to handle their money.  We’re going into this year giving back part of our pay raises, part of our step increases, and changing the frequency of our pay.  Which I greatly resent.  We already took a measly raise, 1.75% which doesn’t even cover cost of living and yet we have to give it back?  Ridiculous.

I have to get out of this district next year and that leads me to another what if?  I’m considering quitting my job at the end of the next school year and participating in a 13 month program to get my RN.  However, we would most likely have to sell our house and move into an apartment.  I don’t think we could afford to keep the house unless I took an excess of student loans to also cover housing.  The program costs $30k.  It’s an intensive 13 month program, so you’re in class 40+ hours a week and they don’t recommend working.  Education came very naturally to me, but I know from high school science classes (which I do LOVE me some science) that science does not.  This would require a lot of studying for me.  But if I can’t work, then we can’t keep our house.  But if I do work I’ll go crazy and probably not spend enough time on my studies which could result in some problems with my grades.  Also, there is not a nursing shortage in Ohio.  And definitely not in Columbus Ohio so…that would mean we’d have to leave Columbus and possibly Ohio in order for me to find a job.  Also, we’d have a lower standard of living when I was finished because from talking to my nursing friends, they only make in the $40,000 (I know I said ONLY but I make more than that…a considerable bit more).  That said, we’d probably have to leave Columbus, if not Ohio soon enough as teaching jobs are becoming few and far between.  Our governor is screwing us over in the budget department and jobs are going to be lost.  And because the program starts in January, I’d have to quit my job over the summer and sub from August until Jan…it’s probably not the best career move to just up and quit in the middle of the year, not to mention I don’t know if there are any actions the district could take against me to punish me for doing that.  We’d be putting off having children…again.  Which doesn’t make me happy but we’d barely be able to afford to live ourselves let alone have another person to be responsible for.

Anyway…I need to contact the nursing program and get more info from them.  I need to talk to another relative who is a nurse and get more info from him.  I need to make a gosh darn decision b/c I have pre-reqs to take if I’m going to do this and I need to get them done before January 2013.

Decisions need to be made.  Once I set a path, then I’m OK with change but I’m not OK with flapping in the breeze waiting for life to happen.

Wah

I know I said I didn’t want to whine but I feel like this is something I need to get out.  I’m hoping that if I get it out once, then I won’t feel the need to whine about it to everyone I know.
I didn’t get the second grade position.  I was called and told I was top two for the position.  I got my ass ripped by the summer school director for taking that phone call and my pirncipal got a phone call saying that I am “unprofessional” among other things for that damn position and I didn’t get it.  Not only did I not get it, I got a freaking generic email about the position.  I didn’t even rank a phone call from the principal or assistant principal.

First of all, know when the HR system is going to send the generic emails and call before they do.  This is the umpteenth time I’ve gotten the generic rejection email before the principal’s phone call.  Secondly, I think the way this district does things is ridiculous.  It is now my goal to get out of this district for next school year.  I won’t leave without a job, but I definitely don’t want to stay.

I took a pay cut and an insurance hit to come.  I gave up lots of extra money in contracts.  Answering that phone call means I’ll probably never work summer school for this district again so there goes my summer money.  The district is extremely unorganized.  No one seems to have answers for anything.  They don’t help pay for college credit which is required to renew your license.  They aren’t hiring any teachers who have any experience b/c they don’t want to pay them.  The special ed. dept is ran by someone who cares more about red tape than about our kids.  I was promised training in autism this summer when I agreed to take the job.  I need to be trained in order to do the job the best it was meant to be done.  They come back with “we don’t have money.”  This district has NO money.  Despite being in the suburbs with a lot more money than my inner city school, they have no money.  We have to buy most supplies on our own.  We don’t get reimbursed for anything.  I spent more of my own money this year than ever before.  It was absurd.

The whole hiring process is absurd.  There is no set time frame for the hiring.  There isn’t even really a process.  They are still figuring things out and it’s almost August!  Principals are allowed to hire whomever they want regardless.  The union has no say over things.  They are so weak.  They can’t help you no matter what happens.  It’s really frustrating to not have back up and support.  To have administration being able to do whatever they want and have no one to answer to.

There is definite favoritism going on with this district.  I believe because it’s so small.  I believe that I didn’t get the second grade position because of the summer school director.  I believe that she called the school and told them the same things she told my principal based on a 10 minute observation and so they went with another candidate.  My principal hired an outside person because she was a friend of a teacher instead of hiring me because he wanted to make this other person happy.  One of the people that I work directly with is a lieing, manipulative biotch and I’ve asked my principal for help but he refuses.  He doesn’t want to get involved.  Well I’m sorry, but you need to.  She’s calling my students’ parents.  He needs to get involved.  She doesn’t like my teaching style.  She wants to kids to rely exclusively on her and I want my kids to be independent.

I’m just so frustrated that someone who did a less than 10 minute observation, who obviously has some personal issues going on (she was in her office at 10pm) is having a disastrous effect on my teaching career.  She’s gone out of her way to call a school where I interviewed, maybe two schools, and tell them that I don’t deserve the job.  She’s basically condemned me to another year in the AU unit which isn’t a good place for me.  It’s not a good place for me to be mentally.  It’s really draining me of my desire to teach.  Really quickly.  And I feel like I can’t get out.  I applied for seven or eight jobs and didn’t get any of them.  That’s very ego crushing for me because that’s never happened before.  If I can get an interview, I usually get the job.  One of the teachers I work with told me to just stay under the radar with this woman because she will continue to try to screw me over whenever she can.  That’s how she is.  That’s totally unfair.  She watched me for 10 minutes!  I’m sorry that I answered my phone.  That was a poor choice.  I knew it was the second grade position, so I wanted to know.  I should have waited and listened to my voice mail.  I apologized for making a poor choice, there’s nothing else I can do.  But now I’m paying heavily for it.

I want out.  I don’t want to go back next year.  At this point, if I could find a job that would pay as much as teaching, I would leave.  I’d be out.  I’m so frustrated and upset by this situation and I’m kicking myself for leaving my last district.  It was a stupid move, but they aren’t hiring anyone this year so I can’t go back.  I want to go back.  I understand urban kids and families better.  There are more job opportunities.  I want out.

That said, I am grateful to have a job.  I am very very nervous about how this year is going to go but I am grateful to have a job.  I know that there are people who don’t have jobs and I do.  I know that I am able to support my family and I am thankful for that.  But I’m still disappointed and I still want something different.  I want to find a good fit for me.  I had a good fit, but then the school closed.  I want to find a good place for me.

MIA

I decided that I’d rather be MIA than be whiney.  I hate reading blogs that turn into whine-fests.  Usually the things that are being whined about aren’t worth whining over.  I figure that applies to me as well.

We spent the weekend at my parents’ house.  Had a 93rd birthday lunch for my grandpa at my aunt’s house.  He was very anti-social so I gave him a kick in the pants (so to speak…I wouldn’t actually kick the elderly) and got him outside for the cake at least.  It’s sad to watch him go downhill.  He’s not really eating anything of nutritional value any more and he’s definitely not visiting with people.  I have a feeling he sleeps most of his days away…which if you’re in college is a perfectly acceptable use of your day but when you’re 93, not so much.

Noah and I went for a long bike ride Sunday morning.  We rode 31.1 miles each way to Eaton for lunch with the Grandparents and then rode back home for dinner with the parents.  Despite being sunburned, it was pretty enjoyable.  I rode it almost 2 miles faster this year than I did the same distance same time last year so that’s  a plus.

Overall I think I’m in much better shape this summer than last summer despite the addition of about 5 pounds to the scale.  Damn scale.  I really have stopped weighing myself because I HATE that the number on the scale makes me feel bad about myself.  It’s a number!  It’s not a visual of how I look.  The mirror is much more flattering than the scale.  I need to get away from the scale.  Anywhoodle…I ran 11 miles on Friday morning, by myself, which I definitely wouldn’t have done last year.  And I ran it in about a 10:10 pace which is faster than my half marathon pace last year AND I walked some!  So that means that my overall running pace not including the walking was significantly faster than last year.  I’m trying to wrap my head around the walking.  I understand that I will not be able to run a full marathon with no walking so I’m trying to work walk breaks into my workouts now.  I want to be prepared for them and accepting of them instead of seeing them as a failure on my part.  My training runs at this point in the year last year were about 30 seconds slower per mile so…this year I am definitely more fit than last year.  I’m really proud of my accomplishments and my workouts this year.  Granted, some days 3 miles feels like the longest, hardest run of my life but overall I’m more able to run the longer distances, faster and easier.

Still no word on the job.  The principals are back in the buildings the last week of July so I’m hoping to hear from them soon.  I’ve got full time hours at the Trek store this week so I’m pretty busy between working and trying to get my workouts in.  Not a whole lot of time for worrying.  And I need to keep it that way…too busy to stress and worry because goodness knows I’m good at the worrying!